When we live a new power, a new intent, those parts of us that are not in alignment with this will arise in ourselves.
We doubt the truth of our effort, we doubt the possibility of being able to do the job, we become afraid, we tell ourselves we are much too vulnerable when we express ourselves as a person with a certain power.
This happened to me after I had written the previous message in my diary, the one about writing and painting.
The fears and doubts are the watchdogs at the entrance towards a deeper level in myself.
They are so real that I do not even trust that I will get past them.
Yet I confide and let go, because there is also a sadness in me when I don’t release.
Maybe writing about this is the humanness that wants to reveal herself.
I feel the desire to write and to paint in a heartwarming way, even though I do not yet know the content of what I want to express.
There is an atmosphere of subtlety and warm earthliness around this.
The type of warmth people enjoy when they love their pet.
A warmth that makes you purr, or softly roar.
It is exciting not to know beforehand what will be the theme of my writing.
I have to make time and space for this if I want to give birth to something new.
I intend to make room for my writing and painting.
Of all numbers, 11 is the number that strikes me most.
This month I see it even more often because it is November and my computer shows the figure 11 every day.
But also when I watch the indicators on the dashboard of my car, the number 11 stands out a lot.
In such a case the car is using 11 liters of gasoline per 100 kilometers, or I have been driving for 11 minutes, or it is 11 past 11.
Or the temperature outside is 11 degrees.
For me the number 11 means how important it is to cherish my playfulness and sense of humor.
In the Tzolkin Chuen, Blue monkey, is the 11th sun glyph and represents the innocence and the playfulness in ourselves.
It is the dissonant that puts a spoke in our wheels, after which we can move forward with renewed strength.
In a culture that invites us so often to enter a state of disapproval and condemnation, because of the terrible things that happen, we can free ourselves from the suction power of negativity by reminding ourselves of the lightness and the luminosity of our being.
Today I travel by train.
Riding backwards, curled up in my chair with a cup of coffee and a warm book by Isabel Allende, I see that the sun travels with me.
Sometimes the view of the soft yellow sun is obscured by a thin veil of clouds.
A bird passes by.
Life is and remains a mystery.
What shall I write?
About my sense of fulfillment in the Mystery school?
About the shaman in me who is gradually appearing?
About my artistic gifts that are freeing themselves?
Shall I write about my joy at seeing, hearing. feeling, smelling the ocean?
Or about my happiness when I discover that my wounds and problems are just a small part of the totality of who I am?
Stating this stronger: They bring about richness to the whole of who I am, because I would not be able to sense or support another person if I would not know my own impossibilities.
I hear the ocean in her rhythmic everlasting movement, the simmering of the coffeemaker…
Life is good.
The silence of the plants, of the trees, is the silence of my deepest core.
Let me return to this.
Yesterday I read in a book about feminine yang.
This type of yang is firm, and is not judgmental in a patriarchal way.
I feel I have found a magnificent treasure…
I have a bit of a cold and feel the need to slow down and take it easy.
This apparently has to do with a portal of energy towards a higher consciousness, where we leave everything behind that is outdated.
It is important for me to let go and to trust, in order to regain my composure.
Time and again I return to my presence in the Now.
My body is integrating the new consciousness.
This morning I was driving on the freeway and I saw a truck with the text: ‘You need wings’.
We need wings to leave the known behind us, in full trust that the winds of change will support our flight.
It is raining outside, inside a candle is burning.
I search for serenity in myself on this first day of the new Maya year.
The Maya’s have many calendars. One of them is based on the cycle of the moon: One year consists of thirteen months of 28 days plus one day outside time.
The advantage of a moon calendar is that it is universal.
Everywhere on earth it is full moon on the same day, whereas the influence of the sun depends on the location.
This year is characterized by the energy of the sun glyph Muluc, Red moon.
Recently I made a little sculpture of ‘La última madre’ for the Mystery school.
I used papier-mâché and painted the figure afterwards.
She showed herself like a wise old Indian woman with her black hair in a long braid on her back.
I love to look at her.
I once asked her for counsel and the answer she gave me was astounding!